When all hope is gone...

I realized a very positive encouraging comfort in the midst of sorrow.

God had shown me a course of action and I chose to obey and wanted to believe it somewhat to my credit and so feel a little more positive about myself....

However, deep down, God's course was the one I would have chosen anyways, and I had hopes that at the other end was something I wanted very badly... That negated somewhat that positive feeling even though my longing was a 'holy longing'.

I had questions that I never felt I could answer absolutely and be completely certain that I was being honest with myself and with God. Was I obeying to be obedient, or was I obeying partially, more or less, to get what I wanted? How much was obedience? How much was selfishness? How much was that in between reality that we don't really give name to where even loving or obeying someone is some blend of selfish and selfless by it's very essence?

And in the midst of sorrow and disappointment, God blesses.

I no longer have any hope of what I wanted... I worried that I would be crushed with disappointment and find that my obedience wasn't obedience at all... was no commendable facet of character (I do like to have one or two I can acknowledge).

I realized the evaporation of that dream far before I realized that I had continued in obedience even after knowing the dream was gone, and now, even realizing that, there's no urge to change or make excuses, or find an out.

It brings the image of a little girl on her bicycle with her daddy running along side encouraging her while she keeps looking back and checking and then looking forward and pedaling and back and forth and back and forth, all the while admonishing her daddy, "Don't let me go daddy!", knowing that while it seems she's gliding along and pedalling, the minute daddy lets go she'll take a tumble, until that point where she stops checking and feels comfortable and confident and she turns to tell daddy so and finds that she's left daddy behind and she's achieved what she's both hoped and feared..... The blessing of not realizing things are the way they are until after it's far too late for there to be any question that she's staying up on her own and not because daddy is helping....

God can work miracles.... God could choose to give me what I hoped for, and I would never suggest that it's beyond him..... for now however, I have no lingering hopes, and I haven't for a good long while.....

And yet, I don't see anything changing. In fact, I could easily see more of the same or worse, but that's entirely OK. I know what I have to do, and I'm actually encouraged to do it and there's joy as a reward.

This parallels closely with my convictions over the last year regarding love.... that love is not love unless it's unconditional... if it's conditional, it's not really love.... unfortunately, short of being tested, there's no way to know for certain if it is really love. No one would chose to have love tested by a nightmare of horrible conditions to see which, if any, would be the condition that negated love.... but somehow, even that has a reward... knowing your love is true and selfless means having any doubts and worries laid to rest.

I'm sure there are parts of this I will later come to feel differently about... after all, my ideas and thoughts are constantly changing (I hope, growing)... One thing I do think I know with certainty however, is, that even if it is true love, and true obedience, it's not at all to my credit or positive reflections on my character. They are a gift from God, and nothing of my doing... the very reason I felt uncertain is because knowing those very weaknesses of my character.

I digress... I feel sorrow, but in the midst of it, gratitude, and blessing, and resolve to continue. God blesses.


God Blesses.